


Oliver Queen vs The Condom Machine

by beinmyheart



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Based on 3x20, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 15:33:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3815668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beinmyheart/pseuds/beinmyheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver Queen conquered any and all enemies to ever cross his path. Slade, Brother Blood, The Count. He took them all down with ease. But Oliver had no clue what a true enemy was until the condom machine in the League of Assassins bathroom stopped working.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oliver Queen vs The Condom Machine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [longlivefelicitythequeen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/longlivefelicitythequeen/gifts).



* * *

Oliver has survived Lian Yu, faced Slade Wilson multiple times and currently, he’s going up against the Demon himself but he has never felt as defeated as he does now.

He’s standing in the men’s room in the south wing of the LoA’s headquarters, in battle with the only single condom dispenser around, which was installed back in the 60’s when the League members were allowed to fraternise with the locals.

But Oliver quickly learns that it’s big on taking his coins and _not_ so big on giving out happy endings. He’s half hard and fully frustrated as he flicks through the coins in his hand, trying to find another quarter that he knows is going to be lost forever, but he’s on the verge of insanity.

And insanity is just doing something over and over again, expecting a different outcome. 

“You will not stop me having sex that has been 3 years in the making.” He mumbles angrily, whacking the ancient machine for the umpteenth time.

There’s a very willing and a very _eager_ Felicity waiting back in the suite. Oliver can still hear the breathy moan in his ear from 15 minutes ago, “Please, Oliver. _Hurry._ I can’t wait any longer to have you inside of me.”

The instant feel of someone behind him pulls him out of his Felicity reverie, and he turns around to find the Demon’s Head casually leaning against the sink. Ra’s is there picking up and inspecting the little soaps that are left on the sink, the sash of his robe swaying from the movement.

Of course he’s wearing the robes, he can’t complete the smug nobility act without them.

“Boy, that machine has made men penniless for years.” Ra’s says with a grin.

“I can see that.” Oliver grits out, because this? This isn’t happening. No. It’s some sort of deranged nightmare.

Ra’s nonchalantly pushes off the sink and starts heading out the door, “Good to know.”

Oliver doesn’t even know what possesses him to do it, maybe it’s the insanity settling in, but he yells, “When was the last time somebody tried to use it?”

Ra’s turns and smirks, like he’s having his own little private joke, “About 9 months before the Daughter of the Demon was born.”

Oliver just groans in defeat.

➵

“Oliver, can you stop huffing and hand me that screwdriver please?” Felicity asks as she works on the dispenser.

She’s in his gray t-shirt, it comes to mid thigh and the sleeve is hanging off her shoulder loosely, and she’s also wearing a headlight. Quite frankly, the t-shirt makes her look sinful and well, the headlight is oddly working for Oliver too. Yeah, _definitely_ working. 

“Really, Oliver? It’s a headlight.” Felicity says as she watches him unconsciously licks his lips. 

Oliver shrugs as he holds a piece of dispenser in his hand, “It’s strangely sexy.”

He continues as a bright idea comes to him, “How about I kick it open?

Felicity rolls her eyes and sighs, “Seriously, dude?! That’s the last thing we need: raining condoms and you with a broken foot. Actually the condom shower may be coo-”

“Felicity, did you just call me ‘dude’?”

She looks up at him sheepishly, and starts to reply when the door opens with a slam.

“Oliver, man, I think I’ve figured out a way -”

It’s Digg, but his all business mode quickly fades as he stares with wide eyes, back and forth between the pair as they do their best _deer-stuck-in-headlights_ impersonations, “Oh god, are you- Wait. Never mind. I don’t wanna even know.” Diggle exclaims as he storms back out the door with a dismissive wave, “Good luck with… whatever the hell _that_ is.”

That’s when Felicity yanks the piece out Oliver’s hands and screws it back on.

“I’m out, It’s done. Can we now _please_ finish what we started?” she asks, pupils darkening with every word.

Oliver chokes, “What? Don’t we need- Uh, I mean, we need-”

Felicity sautes over and wraps her arms around his neck and gives him a peck on the lips, “Wait? Did you think I was helping you get a condom? God, no. I gave up on the idea of a condom from the moment I laid eyes on that beast of a thing. I thought I was getting your precious pennies back.”

Oliver’s eyes widen so much that he thought that they might pop out of his head.

Felicity snorts a laugh and says “Fate and destiny have ganged up on us, Oliver Queen. There’s no way I’m ending up _not_ bearing your children. So what’s the difference if we go one careless night with protection?”

She smiles saucily and pulls him down the hallway while Oliver looks back in the direction of the offending condom dispenser and thinks, ‘Maybe I didn’t make an enemy of you after all.’

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and kudos make my world go round, lovely people!
> 
> Come and say hi to me on Tumblr: emmajadex1989


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